My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We left an ass print on the piano.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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