ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
