He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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