I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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