I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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