I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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