my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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