My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
