I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
