I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
