i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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