Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
