Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
