the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
