I haven't been this sober since birth.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
