I met the friendliest cop last night
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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