I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
