I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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