Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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