you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
