Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
