He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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