we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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