Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
