I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
