Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I puked a lego.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
