Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
