Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
