If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...