I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..