I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..