How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
