Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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