Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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