You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
