I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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