In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
