I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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