I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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