NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
