I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
