Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
