Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
