did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
