I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
