i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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