nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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