I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
