Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
