Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
