Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
