Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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