how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
