i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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