walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
