i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
