Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
