When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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