I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.