I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
