: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
