Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
