Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
