blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
