On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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