Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
