You're my little dorito
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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