I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I want to have your abortion
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
